The Manifesto of the Cult of the Happy Doomer

Updated: Oct 24

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Everything about doomerism is utterly miserable. Lord knows, I have written enough words on that subject, and I have no intention of writing any more here. Finally, I am ready to publish the long-promised, much-worried-about thing of the title.

The full text of the manifest is as follows.

This is the Manifesto of the Cult of the Happy Doomer. It is a thing of beauty.

Non-human piggie people
Footnotes: (backwards)

0. It is a thing of beauty.

It is of paramount importance never to lose beauty. See it everywhere, in your lovers and your enemies, in the natural world, in the scorched skies. Do not accept that things cannot be beautiful. Maintain a childlike (but not childish) delight at colour and sound and smell and the unique interaction of being alive and existing in the world.

1. Happy. And Doom.

Yes that is the manifesto. Is that a massive cop-out of the responsibility of writing an actual think of beauty? Or is it a modern expression of the Tao. A self-reflective truism of subtle wonder? I should explain

Yes, that is it. I have struggles for years to write the manifesto, and have put tens of thousands of words to paper. None of them were suitable, because there are only three things that we can say about the destruction of human society due to human activity are

  1. It is inevitable. It will be awful, complete and, in the least abstract interpretation of the word possible: unimaginable. It is so far outside of our experience and our comprehension that to try to imagine it is futile and requiring of allegory. This is the DOOMER part.

  2. We we rebuild into a better society. And starting to think about that society before collapse is a really, really sensible thing to do. That society could be perfect, equitable, peaceful, progressive, lead by science and the arts and wonder, and where fairness is built-in. This is the HAPPY part.

  3. It's deeply ironic.

2. Cult

During the time of the collapse, people are going to get weird. Cults are already building. Cults are a very bad idea, no matter what they say they are constituted for.

One of the easiest ways to identify a cult is to ask the members if they are in a cult. They will answer "No". They will be quite vociferous about it. And usually quite nervous.

The Cult of the Happy Doomer deliberately subverts this by claiming loudly that we are indeed a cult, and no-one should say any different. As this example conversation shows:

Oh yes, we most definitely are a cult

Reporter: You're not really though, are you?

YES WE ARE! (laugh) (small voice) not really

Reporter. So you're not?

Of course we are!

Reporters are like the cops. They already know what they want you to say, they are just talking to you to try to get you to say it. It's ok to fuck with them a bit.

And hopefully, it will confuse the heck out of everyone so much it might just help them see actual cults more clearly.

Also, it's funny as all heck.

3. Manifesto.

Back to the unknowability.

Everything is User-Defined. The members of the cult are going to decide what it is, where it goes. We exist to try to get people to think about what collapse means, and how we rebuild. We do not offer solutions or get-out-of-jail-free cards. We do not pepper-spray you with half-understood science to justify a pre-conceieved notion. There are precious few aphorisms to help you along.


Sure, it is possible, that with enough people thinking and talking and trying to figure out something that works for them, we might come up with some ideas between us. But there isn't going to be a one-size-fits-all solution to any of this.

Think for humanity, work locally.

So, user-defined pirate hearties. What do we do next?

I think the way to figure this out is to see what you can offer that feels like it might help, and offer it.

I offer you my blog, my experience and my barracks.

Next year, I want to have thinking retreats here. Anyone who has an idea or some interesting thoughts, a perspective on the future, or is simply riddle with questions on what we do next, and a desire to talk with other people thinking about the same sort of thing should come.

The first Happy Doomer retreat. The only retreat in Europe dedicated to thinking about climate change from the perspective of the other side of it. Rebuilding society in a better way, but from a deeply doomer perspective.

What else would you like from me? Let me know, and let's do this thing. I have tee shirts!


Captain, my Captain.

There is only one captain of the Good Ship The Barracks at any time, I am the currently the occupier of that role. Please call me Captain, my Captain.

Pirate of the Barracks

You may use the title "Pirate of the Barracks" once you have

  • been here, for a decent amount of time. Probably at least two weeks.

  • applied for, and been granted "Pirate" status. Seeing as I am just making these rules up on the fly, anyone who has stayed at the barracks for less than two weeks but before today can also apply.

  • I am going to publish a fill list of Pirates, living and dead. Currently, there are no dead ones.

Your name will generally be styled "The Pirate Bertram", "The Pirate Marigold".

Maybe we should have some sort of Privvy Council of Pirates where you get to call yourself "The Good Pirate Jasper"

Me Heartie

Anyone currently at the barracks, but has not yet been granted the full honorific of Pirate may, if they wish, chose from the general title Me Heartie, or, {Name} Lad, {Name} Lassie. None of these is gendered. You can self-assign which ever one you want, and change it as frequently as you require. Or for lols.


I quite like the idea of adopting the Pirate Pronoun of arrrrr, which applies to all people of the Barracks, human and otherwise. The verb-form used with the pronoun is the bare infinitive. "You" and "I" and "we" are still useful, but self-reflexive arrrs be also frequently used.


Did anyone see where The Pirate Jemima went?

Arrrrrrr cycle quickly to the shops.

Have you fed the piggies?

Yes, arrrr be all good this morning,

How was Marylin?

Arrrrr be very cheerful today.

The number of r's in the pronoun may be decided spontaneously by the speaker. Generally speaking, more rrrs indicates a better familiarity with the subject, maybe tending to tenderness.

Did you have a nice time at the fire yesterday?

Yes indeed. Thorsten and arrr have a lovely time. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr be on excellent form.


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